The quiet things no one ever knows
9:33 p.m. - 2003-07-31

I suppose for my first entry I should write about how my summer has been so far.. its been really great actualy.. from hanging out at alex's house takin care of drunks and honestly.. i would go back to that time when i was getting puked on, when i was holding back hair when i was driving everyone home because they got too drunk because then i knew that i was where i was supossed to be.. I loved being the mother everyone came to for advice.. but i turned selfish and i wanted to have fun of my own.. i started going out with my friens sarah and andrea and i would have blasts now don't think i regret them or anything because i know.. that us three will always be friends we may hate each other a times but i know they are my soulmates.. they know exactly what i going through when im going through.. they understand how i excited i get when kory calls me.. but i miss my friends.. i miss my alex.. i miss my alex kisses every night... i miss amanda and how cool she is about everything i miss the sly smiles josh gives me and makes my heart beating just a little bit faster i love the drama jose starts when hes not getting his way.. but i love andrea and sarah.. and i pick them over those friends anyday.. On one of my tryst with andrea and sarah.. i met a guy named gus.. he seemed like he really liked me and me being he naive oe i feel for every lie he shot at me and while i take total blame for my actions, i slept with him, just to let you know this is the first of many.. and he had a girl call me the next day telling me to back the fuck off cause he was hers now.. and i found out a few days later he just had some girl call him and say that to me because he didn't want to be tied down.. then a week later.. very soon i know.. i slept with another guy jason.. he was just a one night stand someone to help ease the pain of being rejected.. but it wasn't really a one night stand because everyday after that i saw him and we became kinda close.. but all the while i was thinking of one guy. kory.. he had my attention from the very beggining and we got really close..i slept with him.. a week ago.. and i have to say.. that i regret it.. becase i don't want it to be a one night thing.. i want more from it.. i want a relationship with him. i want to fall in love with him.. i know that its never gonna happen because i fucked it up with jason.. and why would he want to date a 17 yr old when hes turning 22? but every night hes called me.. just to say hi or to make fun of me being grounded.. he will almost once a night bring up about doing it again.. and honestly i want it to happen again.. maybe you know.. that will keep him with me if i give it good enough to him.. i know its sad.. but.. im a little high school girl who wants a older guy.. and whats worse is that my mom has banded me from talking to him.. shes says what does a 22 yr old want with a 17 yr old.. well mom.. it could be what im giving him.. And thats another thing.. i can not for anything stand my mom right now.. she has caled me a whore a slut and has threatened me.. and my dad coaches her on.. says she been to easy with me.. but im sorry i can't stand to stay at home .. i have way too many things on my mind, way tooo depressed to sit at home.. i need to go out.. i need to bre around people for me to feel better.. i think today going to the bank to cash my check and then to the store to buy my medicine was the first thing to make me feel better in a week.. thats just how my personality is.. i need to asborb others energy to get me through the day.. to help me from not thinking about how i have royaly fucked up my life.. and whats worse is tht my mother just laughs at me for it.. but i've decieded in just cooling off with get-off-grounding-thing she'll let me off in a few days.. i just need to cool it.. but last night.. she was wrong.. it doesn't matter if told her to shut up.. i didn't want to hear it.. she is just way too negative.. she a half-empty kind of person, she never thinks good of any people they are guilty until proven innocent and thats just wrong.. theres no reason to not like someone unless they have given you a reason not to.. i have no idea anymore.. i just kno in 6 months.. ill be long gone.. and she won't have to deal ith my stupid hihgh school problems anymore..

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