heart break fake smile and 2000 miles
12:26 a.m. - 2003-08-02

So another night of craziness... My mom said i could go out for 3 hours.. yes!.. if i cleaned my room.. good.. so i did.. i cleaned..and cleaned.. and sat arond for the night t begin because i ddn't want to go out at 2 and only stay out till 5 so i decieded that i would go out at 9 and be home by 12.. yay.. i get to see him! not.. my car dies at albertsons and i have to all my mother to come jump me.. then we find out it could either be my started or this other thingy that could be wrong with it.. i seriously wanted to start cring. here i made all these plans.. plans where i would get to see "him" and my night had been or so i thought ruined. well anyways after we jumped it.. it started and i went out.. i went out to get andrea and i call him.. i guess too many times or somethingi uess i was bothering him because he gave me attitude.. I dunno i get mixed signals from him all the time.. i let myself fall a little deeper and now im hating mysel for that cause i know im setting myself up for the heartbreak.. and i can't handle another hope dieing..I caled my nicka and he thought the same way i am.. hes getting.. wayto.. just whoa.. while i like it.. but i also hate it.. i can't stand to let him like me just cause he says he wants to fuck.. but i think my head is telling my heart is me who he wants to fuck not some random girll.. its sad.. im soo.. not strong.. i hate myself for not having any will power.. i need to get some. i need.. to get some positie self esteem too.. not just in looks but in cofidence of who i am.. i need for school to start again.. find some normalacy.. im soo tired.. don't even know what to wite anymore...

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