please speak slowly my hearts still learning
8:40 p.m. - 2003-08-03

You know what i lied.. im not just sad.. im heartbroken and devistated.. How?.. What?.. i just don't understand how mad he can get about that.. i was talking to him.. does he want me to get a tatoo of his name on my ass or something? i just don't understand.. i mean.. how can.. i just.. i dunno.. im speechless.. but have so many things to write down.. i don't even know where to start.. i think that im have some real feelings for this kid.. while i know he only talks about wanting to get together with me.. but theres a few occations, and not when hes drunk, that he shows he cares.. and maybe thats why hes soo mad..because he saw me in a room with a guy that he knows that i had liked before.. but the thing is.. andrea you know this.. if a guy show interest in me..i get interested too.. jason showed interest in my body i showed interest back.. im just really..depressed.. i want him... to call me and be like.. ashley im sorry for over reacting.. can i come over? and ill say sure and he'll come over and we'll live happily ever after.. i know people say im only 17 and why do i want to settle down.. well because.. i've had my fun i wanna settle down.. i wanna fall in love and live happily ever after.. but god knows thats not gonna happen.. i guess because i believe in fairy tales way too much.. i think they can always come true you know? no matter what happens the good people win the bad die and live happily ever after..I have to much hope for the unrealistic dreams that i have.. I have to much hope period.. all the hopes do is get lost or burned.. my hope of kory and i was just that.. lost.. lost when i got into that jacuzzi with jason.. lost when i told him he can try on my shirt.. lost when i told heather i wouldn't hook up with him because she liked him.. Heather god do i miss her.. it seems everything was alright till me and kory got together.. i got grounded.. lost touch with all my friends.. lost respect for myself and .. lost.. i dunno.. i still have hope for us and thats what sad.. i will still keep believing that he'll call me tonight and say whats up loser how was grounding today.. or something like that.. i dunno.. im just.. i dunno is there another word for more loss then devistaded? for heartbroken.. cause it feels like none of those words fit into what im feeling right now.. i feel lost, depressed, unbelievably mad at myself.. i dunno.. im blaming myself now.. im blaming myself for going into the bedroom with jason to talk and having seen me and jason talking.. but its not like.. i dunno like we have never talked before in there.. just me and him.. i dunno.. i just need a hug and tons of ice cream.. i need my soulmates.. i need my other halves.. i guess it would be thirds right? me andrea and sarah.. each of us make up a 1/3 to make up one right? so where are they? TAAR isn't helping me right now.. it makes me sadder.. and thats really depressing cause they usually make me happier.. what to do what to do..

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