if i told you this was killing me would you stop
10:11 p.m. - 2003-08-05

so i talked to heather today.. i was totally.. i dunno i felt like such a bad person while talking to her.. but.. i really like him heather.. i like him.. so much.. and it kills me because of our convo.. if you would even call it that.. that took place today.. I told him that we needed to talk and he said about? and i said aout everythng and he said naw im really not in the mood and i replied back well when are you gonna be in the mood and he said never.. he never wants to talk to me again.. and so i called him and and he picked up only to hang up on me.. didn't say anything.. just pressed talk then end.. i mean.. now i know hes over reacting which makes me think theres something deeper into why hes mad at me.. i think hes using this as a way out.. you know. cause hes soo afriad of commitment.. kinda like a gus thing.. which leads me back to why do i always fall for the assholes.. why can't i ever pick up on the guys who geniunely care.. and what pisses me off is that this another time andrea gets to say i told you so.. i wanna find a guy shes wrong about.. and why won't kory answer my calls.. i need to call him later on tongiht.. after hes had a few beers.. i don't care if he calls me names or yells at me.. i just need him to talk to me.. just.. talk to me kory... tell me whats going through your head.. make me understand.. because.. i dunno.. i wanna understand where your coming from.. why you are soo mad at me.. why.. i pretty much gave up everything that i had hoped to have with heather.. like i had said eariler hopes only get lost or burned.. so all hope of me and heather becoming great friends burned when i kissed kory that one night.. lost when i wasn't the one to tell her that we had had sex.. i just.. want him to tell me something.. that he needs time or for me just to give up for good.. cause.. how am i supposed to let go of something when i still think it might just hapen again., well kory if you want nothing to do woth me ever again.. your little theory on if you hit once you gotta hit it twice isn't always right.. right? cause if you want nothing to do with me..then you won't be able to hit it twice.. god.. i really wanna cry.. cry for all the things ive lost and all the things i won't ever have.. and like i said.. all music makes me think of him.. all of it.. starting line.. ashanti.. mest.. all american rejects.. relient k.. juliana theory even disturbed.. god.. and country.. god whenever i hear speed i wanna break down right there.. soo many true lines in there.. soo many..

im tired of spining my wheels, need to find a place where my heart can go to heal, i need to get there pretty quick, hey mister what you got on that lot you can sell me in a pinch, maybe one of them souped up muscle cars, the kind that makes you think your stronger then you are, color don't matter no i don't need leather seats, all that really concerns me is.. speed how fast can it go, can it get me over him quickly, zero to sixty, can it outrun his memory yeah what i really need, is an open road and a whole lot of speed, i'd like to trade in this old truck, cause it makes me thnk of him and that just slows me up, you see its the first we made love where we used to sit and talk, on that tailgate all night long and now hes gone and i need to move on so give me speed how fast can it go can it get me over him quickly zero to sixty can it outrun his memory yeah what i really need is an open road and a whole lot fo speed... i hear the first parts and it just cuts me.. how close that song is to me.. yeah i changed all the hers and shes to hims and hes but still.. i just.. i dunno.. im just too depressed.. i want it to go back.. maybe it all started when i didn't go to that party on friday.. i dunno.. i need to stop thining but else can you do when your home all the time! eii!

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