this is me pretending this is all I need
6:21 p.m. - 2003-10-18

I ve been really depressed lately and i don't know why.. its like i feel my whole world is falling down on me. but theres nothing there does that make since? its like i dunno like something heavy is on my shoulders but when i try to figure out what it is.. theres nothing.. i mean.. theres the whole job thing but.. thats not really that big of a deal.. i had sex with patrick last night and im happy.. its fucking great believe me.. but i feel like.. i shouldn't be soo sad.. like.. i should be normal right now.. and im not.. i got what i wanted.. well not all of what i wanted.. but im close to closing the deal and i should be estatic.. but maybe im not cause look what happened with Kory? he fucking hates me.. i couldn't handle i think if he hurt me.. i realy don't think i could.. i know what you all are saying.. ashley your fucking pathetic.. and your mostly likely right.. but im tired of sucking it up.. im tired of paying bills.. im tired of not being happy.. im tired of trying to make others happy.. how am i to do that when i can't make my own self happy! i need to cry . i need a hug and i need a drink.. a good stiff one that will knock me out for the night.. i miss brandon soo much.. he sent me pictures and another letter.. i wanted to cry.. i miss him soo much.. it was easier last year when i hated im you know.. when ever i thought of him i would go.. i hate him.. how could he say those things to me.. how could he... but now.. i don't hate him.. i just want him to come home..

Im scared that hes not gonna call.. that last night was the last time i was gonna see him.. and maybe thats my fault.. for doing that so fast with him.. but.. i just wanted him soooo much... and god.. he was everything and more.. and i set myself up for the fall.. so its my fault if i get hurt.. maybe i don't learn from my mistakes.. i got to get hurt time after time to have the cuts so deep there scars so when i look at them.. i know how much it hurted me and then i won't do it again cause right now.. im thinking.. it will heal and then it will be like it was never there.. woah.. i made.. like a deep discovery.. i know something more deep about myself now.. you know its said that im just now starting to understand me and who i am..but isn't that what teenage years are for.. seeing who you are how far you can push yourself.. right? i feel like.. im doing this way too late. like im way behind of the game..i dunno.. im so tired of it all.. sooo tired

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