*please tell me im not wanted*
10:41 p.m. - 2003-11-08

im soo depressed right now.. i have been for the whole week... i don't know what to do i just can't smile anymore.. i can't laugh.. that spark in my eye is slowly going away.. he called me again tongiht.. and i think that was the.. breaking point? i can't stand waiting for the one good thing to happen.. cause nothing good has happened in a awhile.. a long while.. and just patrick calling me.. after what this past 3 weeks.. it just kills me.. but i guess i should've figured i mean what do you expect when you sleep with the guy in like your second date.. andrea you were right your always right.. but i just hate how i can't ever seem to learn.. im tired.. im tired of faking that im happy.. im tired of waiting for things to get better.. it seems like no matter how hard i try.. nothing will ever be good again.. its like my whole world is gray when before there were colors and stuff like that you know? i feel like that little blob on that comercial.. lol.. that makes me laugh cause i always i couldn't ever feel that down where i need to take medicine.. i know i still don't.. but god id be willing if it made me happier.. and least.. make me believe i was happier even if i really wasn't i dunno im just tired you know? nothing ever works.. im tired of how everyone else around me is happy.. everyone got what they wanted.. and now its like.. um ashley we don't need you anymore.. alfredo says he needs me but whatever he needs me for a fuck.. justin prolly the same thing.. and kevin who freakin knows.. im just.. exhausted maybe? tonight i went with holly alex and our sisters to go see elf.. we were supposed to i guess have this girls night out thing and i dunno.. it was like i was the babysitter while those two went off and made out i mean.. how do they think that makes me feel.. that they just asked me to go alond so i can watch the girls and they could go do whatever they wanted.. elf wasn't very good.. maybe cause i was in such a down mood.. but i guess it was cute.. it reminded me of the one christmas movie with the tool man in there.. you know? where he finds the card and he becomes santa and shit.. it was like stupid cute like that.. but whatever.. just spent some more money i didn't need to be spending.. i hate that.. i hate spending money i don't need to spend/ especially now.. holly said she was gonna call me when she got home but i dunno its been like 15 30 mins now. and still no phone call.. i don't know why i am waiting.. but i dunno.. i don't know what to do.. so i guess ill go to bed and hopefully feel better in the morning.. good night ya'll

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