i feel diseased...
7:03 p.m. - 2003-11-12

i hate it.. a fucking pop up comes up and deletes my fucking long ass .. entry.. im mad.. but something happened the other night.. something that i didn't want to happen.. something that made me feel cheapened, used and dirty. i mean is it... or not because i didn't fight hard enough or fight at all... i feel worthless that all my value as a woman/girl is gone.. and maybe its always been this way.. but i realized that i need to have more respect for me and my body that sex is a special thing that should be held dear that you shouldn't just go do it with anyone... it just pisses me off that it took me this long and for something like this to happen.. i wanted to cry so bad today.. i feel soo ashamed of what i let happen.. and no one can know about it.. no one.. just you and me... alex said i should go talk to him but honestly thats the last thing i want to do right now.. i just want to forget.. forget that it ever happened and just move on.. i could never move in with steve and jeff now.. it would.. bring back to many memories.. and id be living VERY close to him... i need to find me again i think.. i need to find out who i am now.. that i don't have booze or sex to hide behind or use that as my excuse.. i decieded to stop drinking.. all the bad shit happens when im drunk.. and its gonna be hard.. but im gonna do it. i need to bring back a better me.. a me before the lies, deceits, and rebelons. When i was innocent and pure.. when i knew nothing of waiting endlessly for my period come.. do you know how agonizing that is.. always worrying? its...god... i can't describe it.. i need my friends right now.. more then ever... i need to know who are my true blue friends are.. i need them right now.. to help me realize what a good person i could be.. and alex and andrea.. thank you so much.. for listening to me.. and getting a guys pov and a girls.. you helped me out alot.. and i love you guys..

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