...lessons learned
4:49 p.m. - 2003-11-14

im petrified.. im scared.. of what hes gonna say.. of what i am gonna say.. im just scared.. what if.. oh god.. im just scared shitless right now.. and surprisingly.. he took it well? but hes stil making jokes about it.. he has no idea.. how much.. that act.. that night.. change everything about who i am and what i stand for.. it changed everything.. and i don't want to joke about it.. cause its not something to be joking about.. it has.. made me think about who i am.. and i don't like it.. i don't like it at all.. im in complete turmoil and theres nothing that anyone can do about it.. i just gotta.. deal with it.. and fix it.. and just god.. no one knows how bad i just wanna cry and give up.. and just be like.. i dunno.. he says it was just sex.. but it wasn't.. i can't at it like that.. i can't.. cause i said no.. and he did it anyways? or maybe because.. i dunno.. i just.. im speechless but so many things i need to say.. i just.. it has changed everything.. everything.. i don't know how else to write what im feeling, thinking, wishing? it has changed everything.. my whole world, my whole, life, my whole opinion of me, the opinion of others, changed everything..everything..

on a different note....

This wek has been horrible first off from that, then i found out that joey is spreading rumors and telling people what i told him to everyone.. karlyn called me a slut and a whore and i mean it just proves everyones accusations.. is that right? i mean.. chet kurt karlie and chris all know im a slut they saw first hand what happened with kurt.. now joey doing this.. i was soo pissed at him.. so pissed.. after all we have been through.. he does something like this.. what we had meant nothing to him.. i guess he could see that about me.. i mean i went and slept with a guy like 2 weeks after we broke up? but that was just a rebound.. and i hope he dies.. i really want him to choke.. on something.. it helps to think of other things huh?

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