I SCREAMED your name at the sky till I lost my voice
8:40 p.m. - 2004-02-11

I can't stop crying I feel like i've made the biggest mistake by giving up ryan.. I mean what the hell is wrong with me?! i gave up the best thing to happen to me.. over what?! I wanted to have fun here at home! My whole world is falling apart at the seems.. its like.. me being with ryan was the only thing holding it all together.. but I want Mike.. I want him.. but I LOVE RYAN.. I love him soo much.. and i dont know what the fuck im doing. sometimes i feel like i could drop off the face of the earth it seems like i do more harm then good i dont know if its worth me losing everything over this.. everything would be great right now.. if he was here with me.. I wouldn't care about Mike.. just god.. i feel so rejected.. like.. i gave up everything from Mike.. I gave up ryan.. and he tells me hes not ready.. but wtf!! I AM!! it hurts alot to know his excuse was i was drunk.. I didn't know what i was doing.. BULL FUCKING SHIT!!!!! you asked me out when you were completly sober!!!! so dont use that shit with me.. im tired of it all.. soo tired... i want to just drink myself to death.. so i wont remember.. so I can do it.. It seems like the only time i do have balls is when im drunk.. so maybe if im drunk ill go driving.. and run my car into a pole.. that would be fun... i guess.. i dunno.. im just tired.. im tired of everything.. im tired of boys breaking my hearts.. and youd think id learn over these years... Kory Patrick.. now.. Mike.. Im just a fucking loser.. Im in my own little pity party.. and.. just.. im talking about killing myself wtf?! I must be fucking losing it.. and honestly.. i seriously.. can't.. be.. sorry or whatever.. i should of learned.. but when you get phone calls in the middle of the night saying Ashley... I like you.. I like you alot.. and Im sorry if I was too drunk or whatever.. but i like you.. im just sooo mad!!! Just GOD! im tired.. i wanna cry and get over it... but i will not cry over him.. that means.. im not alright with it.. and ive told everyone i am alright with it.. but IM NOT.. IM NOT ALRIGHT!!!! IM FAR FROM IT!!! and its pissing me off.. i just wanna be happy again.. happy.. is that too much to ask for? and I couldve had it with Ryan.. But hes fucking like 10,000 miles away!!! i can't do it anymore.. i just can't.. I CAN NOT DEAL ANYMORE!!!

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