they dont love you like i love you
6:04 p.m. - 2004-02-26

i remember when i could dance for hours on end.. and just lose myself.. i remember back in freshman year when everything was about getting the postion..getting my body into postion.. when we would have test at the end of the week.. and i would never practice my dance i would work on my turns on my placement everything.. then when i t was time to go up there.. i would just go.. and it was thrilling to stop.. then have everyone clapping.. and just.. the teacher being wowed everytime.. i miss that.. i miss alot of things these days.. i miss.. being irresponisble.. while i can tell you.. im not mrs responisble.. not at all.. but.. it was.. i was.. so naive and i would go back to that.. i tried dancing today just to get my mind off of stuff.. and i couldn't do it.. i was to focused on the place of my arm.. on the rotation of my leg.. where my foot goes when i land.. when before.. i would just go.. like honestly.. i used to think of myself as those little ballerinas in the jewelry boxes.. you turn and turn and they would dance till it stopped turning you know? and you could wind it back up and dance again n again... i miss ryan.. i miss.. alex.. our friendship.. i miss.. surprisingly.. my uncle.. i thought about him alot today.. my grandma is losing it.. and im so sad about it.. they got the autopsy back.. he overdosed on acetaminophen.. you know that stuff that is tylenol.. i threw all my stash away.. just knowing.. something as.. common.. something that we all use almost on a daily basis.. killed my uncle... no wonder my grandma is going crazy.. i think i would to.. if i was in her postion.. i think id do more then lose it.. i dunno whats wrong.. its like all of the sudden.. just this wave of saddness hit me.. everything hit me.. i miss california.. i miss my family.. i miss not being close to them.. but then i wanna be as far away as i can.. like i missed hanging out with my cousins.. i missed hanging out with all my uncles friends.. and just being out on the beach.. i think.. im just reminiscing alot.. i know some of.. you dont remember dave or even dont know who the fuck im talking about.. but i thought about him today.. and it was weird.. going over to my aunts house when i was there.. and not seeing my uncle there with her.. or not being able to run up to his room and tell him all the latest gossip i heard about the fam.. its weird.. i didn't even see him at the funeral.. i guess they really did have a bad divorce.. hahahhaa... i miss you guys.. you turned that quiet house crazy.. ahahahhhahahaha.. yea.. well.. i have no idea why im thinking about this right now.. what was that.. like 5 months ago.. wow.. 5 months ago.. 5 months ago my family was tunred upside down.. and only few have been able to get backside up again..

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